Clark's Project

• She can be moody.
• She is inconsistent with her kids (and mine). I mean that she can roar if she has to, but I think that she lacks the backbone to be quietly strong in the face of their demands/request/cajolery.
• She can be dishonest even as she must know that I know she is dishonest.
• She can lie to herself quite easily.

I'm getting there. Just six to go, according to Clark, and I am done with her.

Too long

I haven't really done anything I said I would. Let me catch you up from the last several days. I have...

• delved deeply into some fantasies that we would be together
• spent a least twenty minutes of each day thinking about her
• realized that the anger thing isn't getting that far off the ground
• indulged myself once to her mental image -- for which I felt a tremendous sense of guilt

This has gone on too long. Yes, its not as pronounced as it was earlier this month, but it is still there. When I see her I am generally fucked up for two or three days following.

On another note, she's been dating someone else... ugh.

Mopey bastard

I haven't posted in a long while. I feel bad, but worse than that I feel bad about feeling bad. I am disgusted by the things I have written so far. It is entirely too self-absorbed, too look-at-me-I'm-hurting.

I mean, big fucking deal, right? I'm not the first person to break up with someone that they love. I figure that most of the time, a relationship that ends is uneven. Isn't there always one half that wants to remain status quo? What makes my pain unique? Not a damn thing, I can tell you that.

Every so often my eyes get wet. I have this feeling that if I would just cry it would be all better. Except that the feelings don't come that strong and my eyes just leak for a second instead.

Maybe getting to anger

Thanks for the comments. I try to write back but I don't really know what to say on the subject. The truth is that I whirl about this so much that by the time I leave for work at eleven, I just don't want to deal with it anymore. But, thanks again for caring. I do read them in my mailbox and they have made me think.

I am in a terrible mood today. I found the five stages of catastrophic news: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. According to some shrinks, catastrophic news is basically any change of condition from the status quo.

• A change of circumstance of any kind (a change from one state to another) produces a loss of some kind (the stage changed from) which will produce a grief reaction.
  
• The intensity of the grief reaction is a function of how the change-produced loss is perceived. If the loss is not perceived as significant, the grief reaction will be minimal or barely felt.
  
• Significant grief responses which go unresolved can lead to mental, physical, and sociological problems and contribute to family dysfunction across generations.

Excellent. At least I have some battle plan that tells me how this stuff is going to shake down. I think I am done with denial and have only a bit of bargaining left in me, if anything. Because both of those sorts of behavior on my part are producing a great deal of anger which is largely directed at me, but is also spilling over into other folks that I know.

See, this stuff doesn't last forever. There will be an end. A definite end. I just have to let it run its course. A few sleepless nights and I will be fine. Before I sign off for today, I have two projects to do, yet.

A) Daily Self Hypnosis

1. I don't love her.
2. I don't love her.
3. I don't love her.
4. I don't love her.
5. I don't love her.
6. I don't love her.
7. I don't love her.
8. I don't love her.
9. I don't love her.
10. I don't love her.

B) Clark's Project (The list of Ten things I don't like about Annie.)

1. She can be moody.
2. She is inconsistent with her kids (and mine). I mean that she can roar if she has to, but I think that she lacks the backbone to be quietly strong in the face of their demands/request/cajolery.
3. ...Ugh.

Okay I have two real items now. Clark would say that I am getting closer to the reality that is Annie, instead of the fantasy I have concoted around her.

Everything is not Jake

Woke up at midnight. I've been up ever since. I can't sleep. The kids are spending the night there. How can I be jealous of them? This whole thing is bringing out elements of my character that I am not real proud of. I need a cleaner break than this. It has to be cold turkey. No contact. Just no friggin' contact. That is the only way this stuff is going to end.

Its the hope that kills

It is my inexhaustible hope that hurts me. We all had dinner together. I can't think of her as I'd like to. That's hard.

But then I want to go home and crawl into bed and throw myself a pity party. Normally, when something huge is happening in my life, I call Annie.

Now I don't. Now I can't. What do I do, whine to her about her?

I lasted a good day yesterday. Today I am deeper in the funk that before.

I hate that I love her. I hate that some little wormy thing that lives in me wants to keep investing everything with hope that it will turn around. Denial. Denial. Denial.

O. V. E. R.

It is so simple. I just have to say it. It's over. The emotions don't mean anything. They aren't even real things. They are just little illusions.

My new theory is Self hypnosis. I'm going to do this 10x a day.

I don't love her anymore.
I don't love her anymore.
I don't love her anymore.
I don't love her anymore.
I don't love her anymore.
I don't love her anymore.
I don't love her anymore.
I don't love her anymore.
I don't love her anymore.

By the way, is there anything more disgusting than a man crying about some woman he lost, or never had, or whatever?

Honestly? I wish I could cry. I feel like I want to. I don't even know how.

I think about her with someone else. That's stupid. It's counterproductive. And, it shows how immature I really am. I don't own her. We aren't together. We don't have any committment. I have no right to expect fidelity to me for any reason. She can be with whoever she wants. I can be with whoever I want... except Annie. But that is because she doesn't want me anymore.

Maybe I'm not that good. Maybe she finally figured that out. Maybe she knew and she sat on it for a while.

So maybe this is grief. Maybe that hope worm thing is the denial. Then I still have bargaining and anger and grief to go, I think. There are stages to this business. I know that. I just don't remember what the stages are.

So let's call it grief. Let's call it grieving over loss. Not life, not anything like that. Just loss of the relationship. Is that feasible? So I am bargaining and denying now. Perhaps I will get to acceptance eventually.

I don't love Annie anymore.

Does God answer prayer

Last night I lay in bed and begged God to rip her from my heart and mind. This morning I feel a strange peace... can he have done that for me? It was so pronounced last night and this morning -- nothing.

The cynic in me laughs and waits for noon.