What are we now?

Now we are just friends. After the March Talk of Doom we are just friends. Just. Friends.

That is absolutely her right. I am not disputing that, at all. When we first met we talked about each of us having marriages behind us and each of us having kids around us. We agreed we were going to be friends. No more.

I admit that I broke the agreement. I fell in love with her. I didn't want to, but I could feel myself doing it anyway. Its hard to spend that kind of time with someone like her and not begin to develop something more than "friends" feelings. Its hard to do the things we've done and not feel some deeper level of attachment to her.

But a relationship is a two-way street. She gets to call shots. I get to call shots. That's what adults do. She makes choices about what she wants and I make choices about what I want. Then we compare choices and if they fit -- well and good. If they don't fit, folks move on. That is the way the world works. I know. I get it.

She wants to be friends. I want to be friends, but now I also want more than that. She doesn't want to give that. There really is nothing more to do then, except say that our plans were not the same and go away.

The problem with that is that I think that I love her. I don't want to go away. I would rather spend a few friends hours with her than nothing at all.

Ugh. Stick a knife in my gut right now. I sound like that Jerry Maguire chump. Not Jerry himself, but the friend of the girl he likes -- the one who offered the Jazz CD to Jerry. The "friend" who has a crush on the girl that is unrequited.

Oh fuck me! I do NOT want to be that friggin' dude. I should bail now. I should just cut out and run away. I should tell her that I can't be friends and that I have got to go. Ugh. I think I am going to vomit. I am officially gone now. I am not going to be the Jerry Maguire friend. No Fucking Way.